A friend reminded me today that I haven't posted anything in a long time; she's right. It's been such an awful year that I haven't had the heart for it. Perhaps writing will help.
Today is mother's day. I have always hated it, not at all because of my own kids, who are awesome, but because of my own mother, who was so polarized in her kind/cruel behavior.
And now she's dead. And I had no one to send a mothers day card too. It's my first mothers day without a mom, and I hate it. Despite everything, I miss her. I miss not finding a card that would satisfy me without being mushy. I miss not calling her and wishing her a happy day.
Now who's polarized!
I hate all the mushyness of this day. I hate that people don't recognize that some mothers weren't the moms lauded in the commercials and cards.
One time, when things were particularly bad with my mother, I created a series of mothers day cards saying what I really would have liked to say. A couple of them were pretty venomous.
Yet here I am, 5 years later, wishing I could call my mother.
Go figure.
Poetry Book
6 years ago
3 comments:
Oh, Labyrinth. I SO relate to some of what you have written here.
You mention cards. I used to spend SO much time looking for cards that simply wished a nice day for her...one that I could send with integrity. I just could not lie about how wonderful I thought she was and how she was there for me, etc.
I think you shared some of those other cards that you made with a few of us. Art can be such a good way of getting out the feelings...of putting into words the truth we know.
sending you some safe love and gentle hugs, if you want them.
Thank you for your hugs... and your comment... both gratefully accepted. Yes, I did share the cards with some of you got to see. They're still there, though I haven't been able to really look at them since my mother died.
That has to be so hard. I no longer have the link, but I do remember that the cards were powerful expressions of your inner pain.
Take good care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve as you need to.
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