I don't even know what to feel. My feelings are all over the map. I think I am depressed really bad. Worse than usual. I've been unpacking some of my mother's things. I found a letter she'd written me about three years ago. Newsy, nice, talking about her days. Absolutely no hint of criticism or anything.
To my horror, I found letters I'd written to her. Loving, thankful letters. And really, true for the time in which they were written. Before I got into this MPD shit. Abuse shit. When my life was going great.
My therapist calls that the illusion. The illusion that everything was wonderful when underneath was all the other stuff. Disillusioned. That's getting rid of the illusion. And boy, did I.
Now I don't know how to do this process. I don't know what to say, how to feel. It's chaotic inside. And yet it isn't.
What a disjointed post. Sometimes I think that living in the illusion was easier.
Poetry Book
6 years ago
2 comments:
Living in the illusion "seemed" easier but it certainly wasn't healthy. We never would heal if we stayed in illusion. I understand, though, the work of healing can be so difficult and painful that you want to go back sometimes. Hang in there. When you work through all the abuse and the feelings/emotions it will be so worth it.
easier yes, but you were lying to yourself just like your abusers wanted you to. the truth will set you free applies to everyone, not just that guy from the x-files.
peace and blessings
keepers
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