I agree with Rising Rainbow. I have to take risks. I think I do that most of the time in therapy. As far as the Cheshire Cat thing... I will see my therapist tomorrow and will talk to her about it. Maybe what I need to do is what she's said before; agree that for the time being we will reserve judgment and see where all this goes.
I don't exactly know how to change my feelings about being the Cheshire Cat. But I do know that the first step is talking to my therapist about it.
I'm pretty sure my reaction is a way of denying what happened to me. But when I'm sitting there and she says, "Unedited, what's the first thing that comes to your mind when I say ____", I know what the "right" answer is.
Or maybe it's the truth.
I go through phases where I absolutely believe what shows up in my journals. Then another phase where I question everything.
I began this blog feeling very depressed and wondering if I'm making stuff up. It's been a very difficult week, and I hope it'll be better next week.
I work really hard in therapy, and can look back through my journals and see how far I've come, even from just six months ago.
6 comments:
Okay, first of all welcome to blogging. I was terrified at first of putting myself and all my stuff out there which is why I remained anonymous.
Second, thank you for visiting my blog. Come back anytime. Although the stuff, I usually write isn't pretty. But, I guess we wouldn't be here if it were.
Third, I often think I've made everything up and I am lying. Trying to deny is great. I know the more that I think I am lying, the more truth there is to what I am telling that I do not want to accept.
Fourth, you cracked me up with the pidgen (?). Where you live? Da mainland or da islands?
Hi, found your blog through Clueless. I think recognizing you work hard in therapy is a big step. Most of the time, we work hard too, but sometimes, it gets overwhelming. Anyway, just wanted to say hi.
Seeing progress is great.
Some members here really identify with what you wrote, about saying the right thing, knowing it was the right thing. I think it takes time to get past it and we for sure see it as a way to cope.
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments everyone. Wow. I thought I'd be in blogland anonymity for a really long time. The comments help me keep going.
Clueless, I love your blog. It doesn't matter to me if the stuff isn't pretty.
Your third point is exactly how I feel when I'm really feeling on top of things.
Da pidgin. I am on da mainland. But am fluent in pidgin.
All of Us... thank you for your comment too. I'm so glad you stopped by! I'm sure you're working hard.
Patches, I'm glad you wrote. Stuff does get overwhelming and when I get that way, denial is a good friend.
Thanks again everyone... I so appreciate the comments.
Labyrinth
Funny story. My husband and I gave my mother-in-law the four gospels from the Bible on tape in pidgin (she is blind). She kept saying I don't know any pidgin. Thank God she is blind because the faces my husband and I were making. Anyway, we started the tape and she laughed saying, I understand the whole ting. She never knew she was speaking pidgin, along with some Japanese and English. We all thought it was hilarious. When I first met my husbands parents, I was so lost...even though I'm fourth generation Japanese, I never heard it growing up (Japanese or pidgin). I have another blog and I was writing a recipe from a Hawaiian cookbook and I translated it into pidgin...it was only later that I realized that was worse, so I translated it into English.
Clueless, I'd love to see your cooking blog if you feel comfortable with that. It's totally fine if you'd rather keep them completely separate though. I would understand.
I love the story about your MIL! How cute was that!
I know some Japanese words and an entire Japanese song. The Japanese words are part of our everyday language. My poor therapist... she's had to learn them too because that's how some of us talk.
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